So I've kind of restarted here. At least from what I had been doing, and what I thought I did and did not know and believe. I know. Big paradigm shift. Crazy stuff. I'll explain.
So the end of Savannah's come and gone. It was an insane year. Really. It began and ended in a bang. Going into college with my ex who I had been dating for three years was big. It was exactly what she and I had been wanting for those three years, but once we had it, we realized that so much had gone on, or at least I realized it, that we just weren't the same people anymore, and we were never going to work. I left her, she left school, and then when I got home, we reconnected, then exploded in the worst way imaginable. It was awful, ugly, and not in the least bit fun, but I'm glad it's over.
When I got back to Savannah, I had changed, and for the better. I wasn't over her then, even though I thought I was, and I rushed into a messy, sloppy, drunken relationship that was, in every form of the word, a rebound. It was fun, and it was exactly what I needed to put life back into perspective. That ended after the spring, and for the rest of the year, it was me, a pack of cigarettes, alcohol, and forms of drama I thought I'd left behind. It all ended in a rushed blur of road trips, insane parties, and too many drugs, but I had to get it out of my system.
I'll stop boring you with the past, or any of this for that matter, and get on to what's up now.
Summer's almost done, and I've been working two jobs, one full-time, one part-time. I had to pay for an online class through school so I could raise my GPA back up to a 3.0 to reinstate my scholarship. Didn't get an A in the class, but I'm headed back. It's going to be hard, but what isn't that's worth doing...
The jobs and class have burnt me at both ends, and I haven't had that much time to myself. I've tried to stay fairly introspective, and keep to myself here, and I've done a pretty good job. I've spent most of my time with the boys, just me all by my lonesome, or at work. It's been good to be this focused, and I've figured out a lot of things that I need to change, and I've started to.
While I really enjoyed being absolutely self-destructive and living every second of my life as... hard (?) as I could, it was literally killing me, and I was losing sight of things. I'm quite redirected now, with a lot of great things on the horizon.
1) Yay, back to Savannah and out of the house again.
2) Writing music again. Really a big deal. Feels good. More on that later.
3) Settling down. I spent way too much time, money, and energy on finding the next fun thing, party, or booze last year. Not worth it kids. Not at all.
4) I finally pulled the balls together to reach out to that one person you see every now and then, and if you don't at that instant, you could lose your chance. I've missed the boat a few times, and since my last big relationship, I haven't really tried. I gave it a chance one more time, and I can't be happier.
So the music. My best friend and I are back at it again, round two with him, and it's something totally new. As much as I love drumming, my voice has finally evolved into it's own identity, and doesn't just sound like everyone else in their late teenage years. I would like to take this moment to thank Starbucks Coffee, and Camel Cigarettes. What a blessing in disguise. My voice is raw, more like my natural accent (southern) and far more solid in general. It sounds confident, and I think that's because I am. I really like what we're putting together, and I think a lot of people are going to also. I'll be updating all four of you on that as it comes along.
Oh alcohol. I love ya', but you fuck up a lot. I saw a lot of fucked up things happen around and to me this past year, mostly due to the effect of alcohol. I have nothing against drinking, but fuck this idea of drinking to black out and ruin your life. Don't have time for that. OR money for that matter. I'm a poor college student. Plus, there are more important things to spend money, time, and energy on.
Like the most amazing female I've met in... Yeah, ever. You like that paragraph segway? I did. Thanks. Really. Back to the point. I've met this girl, and she really is absolutely amazing. She and I are quite near the same spots in life, and I know she's going to be fine, and I'm glad to be here for here while things get better. For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm not being selfish, and I actually WANT to be there for someone, just to be there for them. No alternative motives, no nothing. Neither of us know where it's going, and she doesn't know if she needs more time or what, but she's the kind of person I want to be with, even if we're not an item. She's great. She's great in that way that she's there for you if you need her, sweet when she needs to be, but she she can argue like a motherfucker, and her sarcasm rivals mine. She's smart and funny, but she's as fucked up as I am. It's no fun to be with someone normal. No excitement. No challenge. Shit gets boring when it works out flawlessly. Like I said, if it doesn't take some effort, it's probably not worth it.
Long story short, I'm not my bitter sarcastic and sarcastic self today because I'm happier than I have been in two years.
It's because of her.
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